


Lemon curry? or                                                                                       My mother always warned me about falling in love with a Roman Catholic

by orphan_account



Category: Lewis (TV)
Genre: Banter, Dialogue-Only, Fluff, Humour, I suppose, Lent, M/M, Religious Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-01-31 16:45:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18595348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: James won't let Robbie have dinner in peace, and some bickering about body parts, religion and Jane Austen ensues.Mostly silly, really.





	Lemon curry? or                                                                                       My mother always warned me about falling in love with a Roman Catholic

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry, this just happened. It wasn't meant to be so long, but...
> 
> Title in honour of Monty Python, it has virtually nothing to do with the plot.
> 
> Again: silly, really.

"Would you please stop staring at me while I am having my dinner, James? It makes me feel self- conscious."

"But you are so lovely to look at when you are stuffing rice and pieces of lamb into your mouth. I could hardly bear to deprive myself of the sight."

"What's the matter with you? You've been watching me, or rather my food that is, the whole day now. If you're hungry just say so, but please don't decline my offer and then give me reproachful    looks like Monty does when I forget to feed him. Just make up your mind, lad!"

"All right, mother."

"Aah, okay, here- have some of mine. But you're lucky I like your little tummy, otherwise you wouldn't get any of it."

"What tummy?!!"

"Er, this one maybe, there? Below your chest, above your dangly bits."

"I don't know if I am more appalled by you calling me fat or by you referring to my most sensual body part as "dangly", Robert."

"Oi, give over, I didn't call you fat."

"You did. You said I had a tummy."

"A _little_ tummy, all right? Since when are we so touchy, Mr Narcissus?"

"Stop that. I am the one with the mythical references."

"All right, all right. Sorry pet. Now, take some of my curry, will you?"

"No. I am not hungry."

"Hrrgh! You said so an hour ago, but nevertheless you keep looking as if you want to stick your hand into my mouth and nick the stuff from me. What's the matter with you?"

"Erm, well, do you know what day it is?"

"Watch it, boy, I am not  _that_ old. It's Saturday."

"Yes, but what Saturday?"

"What Saturday? Er, let's see- Saturday the 3rd?"

"No, it is the Saturday after Ash Wednesday."

"Ah, of course. How inobservant of me.-- What is Ash Wednesday again?"

"It is the first day of the Quadragesima."

"Oh, come on, I am not up to the "Let's pretend mystic peculiarities with Latin names are common knowledge"- game tonight. Just bloody tell me what you're talking about!"

"The Quadragesima is the time-span of the forty days before Easter Sunday,  _sir_. In the Catholic Church this time is also known as Lent."

"Ah, Lent. And how does this explain... wait- you're fasting?"

"I knew you'd get there in the end, sir. Yes, I am fasting."

"But since Wednesday? Tonight is Saturday, so...one, three... you haven't eaten in four days?!"

"Not exactly, no. I am allowed one meal a day. If the meal consists of bread. I am allowed bread."

"But- I better not ask you why, huh?"

"Well, of course there is the possibility of me giving you the full theological rationale, but I assume you have better plans for your evening."

"I really don't understand religion, lad. So, what- you have to live of dry bread and water the next two months now? That's all there is to it?"

"If you really must know; no. To put it in a nutshell, there's more prayer, more masses, but less eating and absolutely novices and distractions like smoking or alcohol or...er, well... sex."

"Oh."

"Mmn."

" _For forty bleeding days?'"_

"Robbie, please! Yes, forty days. Do you have a problem with that?"

"YES."

"I am sure you will survive, chuck. After all, you didn't even notice it the last three days."

"Well yes, but- but we were working late and all, and- come on James, I had settled on getting you a bit brazened later."

"Stop using this word. Geordie is not as sexy as you might think it is. Besides, I thought I had a tummy? Then this should come in handy for you, because in just over six weeks I will have lost my overweight, so maybe I am attractive enough for you then again. Surely you don't want to engage into anything concerning my "dangly bits" before then."

"Come on pet, it was a joke! You're not fat, and even if you were, look at me, I am in no place to judge anyone regarding paunches. Please, be a good lad."

"..."

"Remind me, why did they say one should never fall in love with an archconservative Roman Catholic?"

"..."

"Right, because they're going to deny you anything fun for no apparent reason for forty bloody days."

"...'

"No worries, pet, I'll just ravish you later."

"ROBBIE!"

"Surely you're allowed to be ravished? It's not your fault when you don't take an  _active_ part in it, right? You could just tell God that it was all the doing of your lascivious governor. Won't send you to purgatory for that."

"Lent is not about following the general rules of the Bible, one is supposed to purify one's mind in order to prepare himself for the Easter Celebrations. It represents the Passion of Christ, and no, shut your mouth, I don't want to hear  _any_ filthy remarks about one of your passions, thank you.                                                                                                                                          "Look, I'm sorry, but I need to do this. It's important to me."

"Yes, I understand, pet. It's all right. After all, what are six weeks? Remember when you had this anorec- something fistula? Took almost two months to heal after the operation."

"Please, don't mention it! That was the most embarrassing hospitalization of my life. Nurses kept telling me that I should refrain from "excessive sexual practices" in the future."

"And you never took the advice. Lucky me."

 

"..."

"Robbie..."                                                          

"Robbie. What are you doing?"

"Robbie! Stop it!"

 

"Why, luv? I am just taking off my shirt, it's a warm night. Want me to sit here sweating?"

"It's March, Robbie, it is freezing outside. I know what you're doing, stop tempting me!"

"You sound as if I was the Antichrist itself. Don't be dramatic, I am just a middle-aged bloke sitting shirtless on his sofa. You have to blame yourself if your dirty mind imagines anything indecent about it."

"Well, I-  _don't you dare Robbie Lewis!_ Don- don't... you know that I can't resist that, no- Stop it!"

"And yet again, I am only a middle-aged bloke sitting on his sofa and indulging in his hobby. It is not my fault that you have some strange Jane- Austen- fetish."

"You are embroidering a handkerchief, sir. It is not an ordinary hobby."

"It is."

"You took a Townswomen's Guild- course to learn it. You told them you wanted to make your Auntie Margaret a special gift."

"And what did Auntie Maggie receive for Christmas?"

"Stop it! Now!"

"In a jiffy, pet, I just need to finish this violet here. Took me hours to get the stitch right.                                                                                                                                                         "Hmpf! What are you doing, James? Careful, the frame!"

"Bugger the bloody frame! Bugger the handkerchief! I want you. Now."

"Oh, not worrying about our virtue anymore, St Rosalia?"

"How do you know about her?"

"Whisht, I am not completely uneducated, you know!-- And you might have forgotten one of your books on the night table when I couldn't sleep.                                                                           So- stop tickling me- what about that austerity of yours, now? I have to admit that I am a bit disappointed that it only took a naked torso and a hanky to seduce you."

"Okay, okay, chuck, it was only a joke, all right? Now kiss me, please!"

"A joke? You're not fasting?"

"I am, but I am allowed to have sex. I just wanted to come back at you for calling me fat."

"Oh, ye dafty. Don't you know? The more of you the better, canny lad."

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Edit: Title and and content are, of course, completely humourous and ironic, I do not intend to offend any religion or confusion, er, confession whatsoever. I am myself, in fact, a confirmed Protestant and if Hathaway happened to be one of them instead of a Catholic I would have made fun of it nonetheless.
> 
> Constructive (and silly) comments are very much appreciated :)


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